I Won’t Back Down

It’s really easy to give up on things just because you hate doing them.

This morning I was going to go to the pool, but then upon getting up decided it would be in my best interest to get out on the bike instead.  I’m doing a sprint triathlon this weekend, one that I signed up for before all this started happening, but since the Achilles hasn’t been bugging me too much and the distances are pretty short I figure I’ll go ahead and do it.  Triathlons are fun.  It’s going to be slow as hell since I’ve barely trained, but whatever.  I’ll be able to get it done and that’s what matters.

Now it’s been well documented that I hate biking.  Biking is so much more a pain in the ass than running.  To run all you have to do is slap on your shoes and head out the door.  Biking you have to go out to the garage, unlock everything, get your helmet all situated, make sure there’s air in the tires, etc etc.  Such a pain.  I STILL can’t seem to get excited about it.  Never mind the fact that once you put wheels under me I am suddenly much more awkward.  Balance and coordination have never been strong points for me, and I am just way less comfortable when my feet are not in contact with the ground.

In spite of this, I got myself out there this morning.  If I have to bike 16.7 miles on Saturday, I should at least get SOMETHING in this week.  I was averaging some ridiculously slow pace, but it was fine.  I was moving.

And then about 20 minutes in, my Achilles gave me one more reason to hate biking.  For some reason, I think biking aggravates it more than running does.  It wasn’t anything extreme, just a little soreness to remind me that it’s still there and that it’s not completely better yet.

I flashed back to a couple weeks ago when I thought I was better and went on a long bike ride, and then it was in rough shape for a couple days after.  ”Not again,” I thought to myself.  ”This damn bike is not worth it.”

So I cut the ride short and headed home.  No need to push things on a stupid training ride.  That I hated anyway.  As I biked home, angry bike-related thoughts started going through my head.  ”If biking is going to mess with my heel, then fuck that.  I’m done biking.  I’m over this triathlon thing.  I’ll just run marathons and do endurance swim events and CrossFit.  Who needs biking?  Why do it if I hate it?”

But a little voice in the back of my head piped up meekly, “But what about the Ironman?”  I have come to terms with the fact that it’s probably not in the cards for me this year.  But the idea of it has sort of gotten under my skin now.  I’ve thought about it, I’ve convinced myself I can do it, and other people believe that I can do it.  I can’t just leave it on the table.

The bike is going to be a challenge.  No question.  But I can’t give up on biking forever just because I hate it now.  What if I had done that with running?  I HATED running for most of my life.  But I forced myself to do it at first.  Little by little I got better, I got more comfortable, and somewhere along the way I fell in love with it.  If I had given up when I hated it, my life would be very different right now.

I’ve quit a lot of things in my life for various reasons.  Sports, musical instruments, jobs, graduate programs, the list goes on.  And in my opinion, if you know something isn’t for you and there is something else you’d rather be doing, by all means don’t beat a dead horse.  But I don’t think that’s the situation here.  I KNOW that all I need to do is just do it.  Do it over and over and over again and it will suck at first but eventually it will get better.  And if it doesn’t, and if after I finish the Ironman next year I still hate it, fine.  I can be done.  But no giving up before even starting.  That’s just being a whiny little bitch, and nobody likes a whiny little bitch.  Don’t complain, train.

From a this year’s health standpoint though, I think I’m going to be done with triathlon for the season after Blaine this weekend.  I’m signed up for Liberty Olympic second weekend in June, but I may not do it.  If biking is going to be this much of an issue for my heel still, and I am still at the point where I hate it so, there’s no point in jeopardizing my ability to start marathon training on time by continually beating it up and not allowing it to heal by forcing it through miles and miles on the bike.  Once Blaine is done, I’ll start a running and swimming maintenance plan until July, and then get going on marathon training.  I think I will look into endurance swim events too (since obviously the marathon alone won’t be enough).  Keep life interesting, and keep the feel of triathlon training without having to mess with that damn bike.

But, bike, I’m not done with you.  This isn’t over.  Tempting as it is to sell my tri bike and get back a pocket full of much-needed cash, I will not.  Next year awaits.  And I’ll be damned if, while maybe I won’t be an AMAZING biker, I will at least be a decent one.  I won’t back down and let it defeat me.  I am NOT a quitter.

-a

A change of pace

I’m going to try something a little different with this post.  To this point, this blog has been very workout and training focused and has had little to do with the other aspects of health and wellness that I also value highly.  And now, since I’ve been somewhat sidelined training-wise for the past few weeks, I’ve had an opportunity to focus more on some of those other areas of wellness.  Primarily nutrition.

Before we get into that, a quick update on the heel situation.  My sense right now is that it’s doing a lot better, but it’s still not at 100%.  I can do most things now without pain or without feeling it, but there will still be occasions where I’ll feel a little soreness or pull or something that indicates to me that it’s still not quite right.  For that reason, I’ve been very conservative about not pushing too hard to get back into full training mode right away.  Last week after a couple good runs I tried to go 5 miles, got 3.5 in and felt a sharp pain.  I stopped immediately and walked the rest of the way home.  I’m not taking any chances.

To that point, my Ironman training at this point has pretty much been screwed.  I’m way behind, especially in the bike, and quite honestly at this point it’s looking like it might be out of the picture for this year.  I want to do it so badly, but if I can’t train the way I want to all it’s going to be is a source of anxiety and I’m going to want to push myself harder than I should and might end up doing some real damage.  So as much as it kills me, I know myself and I know that I need to just take it off the table for now.  There’s always next year. If things improve, maybe I can train for a late season half iron this year and get a little bit of that long distance experience in.  But I think to try and push for the full this year would just be dumb and hazardous to my long-term health.

I think what all this boils down to is that I really just didn’t take enough of a break in the off-season.  In fact, I didn’t really take an off-season, and now that’s catching up to me.  I took less than 2 months off between the marathon and starting ultra training, and in retrospect that was probably a bad idea.  As well as the marathon and my training leading up to it went, and as good as I felt after, it WAS still my first marathon.  Training for that pushed my body to levels it had never been before, and rather than give it the break it deserved after reaching that milestone, I just kept pushing.  It was fine for awhile, but I think now it’s finally caught up.  My body is forcing me to take a break, and unfortunately it’s now when the weather is gorgeous and I want nothing more than to be outside running and biking and doing everything.  This is my punishment.  Nice work, Anna.

That said, I don’t think the entire season is going to be a complete wash.  I still have New York Marathon at the beginning of November, and that’s still a long way out.  Theoretically I don’t even actually have to start training for that until July.  And that’s one race i DO actually need to do this year, otherwise I’m going to lose it forever.  I can’t defer another year.  It’s now or never.

So that’s the new focus.  I’m going to take it easy for a month or two.  Still going to train and work out, but lightly.  CrossFit a few times a week, swim a few times a week, run a few times a week, but short.  Maintain fitness, but don’t overdo it on the distance.  No more than 3 miles at a time, maybe occasionally a bit longer if we’re feeling good, but definitely not the kind of distances I’ve been putting myself through for the past 6 months.  Give myself a much needed break, a little treading water period, and then once I’m nice and rested (and healed) then we’ll be able to tackle another round of marathon training.

So that’s the story with that.  I’m definitely bummed about stepping away from the Ironman this year, but there will be other seasons.  Most important is to not wreck myself so that I can keep running until I’m 80.

That was a little bit more long-winded of an update than I had intended, but I felt that you all as my loyal audience deserved to hear where I was at with things.  It really is a lot better, but it’s not completely over yet.  I can’t wait until I’m totally back to normal, but I’m trying to be patient.

That brings me to the other point of this post, which is the nutrition element.  In the coming weeks I might try to focus the blog a little more on nutrition, since my training is going to be relatively uninteresting.  I’ve been messing a lot with my diet lately, so there will be plenty more interesting things talk about in this regard.

First of all, the big news.  Those who have known me for awhile know that I’ve been a vegetarian for quite some time, for almost 8 years.  I guess technically I am a “pescatarian”, meaning I eat fish and seafood, but not other kinds of meat.  For me this was always a taste and texture preference issue, not a moral thing.  Not like I don’t think the way some meat is produced is a little fucked up at times, but that was not the reason for my veggie-ism.  No, I just prefer not to chew on fat and muscle.  Grosses me out.

There have been points in my veggie-dom where I have considered starting to eat meat again, just for the sake of convenience.  It’s hard sometimes to go out to eat, or find things to eat when you’re in situations without many options.  Getting enough protein can be a challenge, and sometimes it’s just a hassle.  I would always consider it, but then imagine chewing on a chicken breast and just think, “Nope, can’t do it.”  And that was the end of that.

The problem is though, that I’ve been eating pretty much the same way for the past 4 or 5 years.  And while I don’t think there was anything particularly wrong with my diet, I’m starting to feel like I’m stagnating, plateauing, not seeing the sorts of results in my body shape and fitness that I would like to be.  I think my body is used to processing the things I eat in a certain way and has gotten very efficient about it, almost TOO efficient.  Maybe I need a little bit of shock to the system to shake things up again.

So, thus began the Great Meat Experiment.  Yes folks, I have begun reintroducing meat into my diet.  Let’s be clear right now that this is still an EXPERIMENT.  The fact that I am currently eating some meat does in no way mean that this is a permanent change or that I have renounced my veggie ways for good.  And there are still some meat items I won’t go near.  Processed piggy deli meat?  Shudder.  Rare steak?  Ewww.

But I’ve been occasionally throwing some chicken breast onto salads or having a couple pieces of bacon with some eggs in the morning.  And I have to admit it hasn’t been horrible.  I can still only really handle it when it’s like cut up and in things, but not all of my experience has been terrible.

But, I’m still not completely sold.  Yes, maybe some meat is not that bad for you.  But I also somewhat maintain that TONS of it is not good for you either.  Like this whole bacon issue. Yes, I admit, it’s pretty delicious.  But really?  As I watch it frying in its own liquid fat in the pan, I find it hard to believe that that much saturated animal fat is really that great for you.  I think that much like many other things in life, there needs to be some discretion and moderation put into place.

That’s why what is currently sparking my interest, and what I think I might experiment with next, is the Mediterranean diet.  I’ve been reading up on it, and honestly from all the nutritional research and information I’ve gathered over the past couple years, it just makes so much sense in combining all the good parts of everything into one healthy way of living.  It’s mostly plant-based but does incorporate a small amount of meat.  It tends to emphasize fish and seafood more though, as well as poultry and other lean meats, and avoids a lot of red meat and the high fatty stuff like the bacons and sausages of the world. And that sounds fine to me.  I can live with that.  Seafood like I’ve been doing, a little bit of chicken or turkey here and there.  Stay away from beef and pork.  That seems like a happy compromise.

So I might give this thing a try.  The diet is based on getting LOTS of fruits and veggies, whole grains, beans, nuts, seeds, legumes.  Moderate amounts of fish and seafood, low to moderate amounts of lean meat and low fat dairy.  Lots of olive oil, and a glass of red wine per day.  Can’t really complain about that!

Really what it comes down to, and what all these current fad diets are about is to just eat good, whole, real food and you’ll be fine.  Cut the processed crap, the refined sugar, all the chemicals and fake food that gets shoved in our faces daily.  I like the sound of this lifestyle, because it doesn’t cut any one food group out completely.  It’s balanced, it’s plant-based, and it’s MODERATE.  I may like to do things that are a little extreme, but when it comes to day to day life and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, moderation wins over the extreme.  It’ll be an interesting experiment.

And hey, a glass of wine per day ain’t bad either.

-a

Baby we were born to run

I got back from New York yesterday, the trip that had been scheduled for the big race.  But instead of coming home an ultramarathoner, I just came home a little bit hungover and probably a little bit fatter.  It was definitely still a fun trip, but still somewhat bittersweet.

It wasn’t a complete loss though.  After my weeklong workout freeze, I tried running a couple times while I was there.  We went a little under 3 miles on Friday and about 3 on Sunday, and while the heel still wasn’t 100%, I judged it to be at least over 90%.  And it felt so good to just be RUNNING again, after so long of being frustrated and set back and not knowing when I would be able to resume normal activities again.

I’ve had to make a lot of mental adjustments in this whole process.  I’ve got a really full race calendar this year with a lot of big things that I want to do, but I’ve needed to keep reassessing my progress and reprioritizing things so that I don’t push too hard for a race that doesn’t matter and kill my chances for one that does.  For instance, I’m signed up for Grandma’s marathon on June 22nd, which is still definitely doable if all goes to plan.  But it’s not a huge priority, and that’s a race I can do pretty much any time.  If it doesn’t work out this year, I’ll do it another time.  But I’ve got Louisville and New York at the end of the year, and those are the big ones.  Those are this year or bust, and i’ll be damned if I bust.  So I’m not going to push myself to marathon distance too soon just to run it – if it feels good I’ll do it, but if not i won’t.  And that’s okay.

I’m totally babying this heel right now and easing back into running very carefully.  I’ve been on a one day on, one day off schedule, monitoring how it feels during the run and then throughout the day after the run and the next day, and if we’re good I’ll push the distance a little more.  It actually felt a lot better after the run on Sunday than after the run on Friday, and I effectively felt nothing during the “healing time”.  So this morning I went 4 miles, and it felt totally fine.  I could tell it was getting a little tired by the end, but it was more a slight fatigue in my calf then in the tendon specifically, and it was definitely nowhere near the pain I had been experiencing before.  And no creakiness yet, which i had a little bit of right after the run on Sunday.  This is all really encouraging, and while I still don’t think I’m completely out of the woods, the fact that it’s definitely getting better indicates to me that I have done and am doing the right things to heal it quickly.

It felt so good to get out again this morning.  I feel like when I’m not running, the rest of my life goes into sort of a tailspin and everything gets all foggy and murky and nothing makes sense.  Usually I end up drinking too much and being irresponsible and basically making a mess of my life.  But as soon as I get back out on the road, it’s like the fog lifts and everything is clear again.  It’s like my body knows that this is what it should be doing, and it responds with those positive feelings and clarity and refocuses me on the important things in life.

This whole rehab process has sort of reminded me what it felt like when I first started running.  I remember the first time I ever ran 4 miles, I was so incredibly proud of myself.  I had that exact same feeling today.  Even though 4 miles had been an absolute drop in the bucket in terms of the training I was doing for the 50 miler, perspectives are different now.  Every time I push past a point that I know my heel can handle, i feel like it’s running a new distance for the first time – take it super easy and just try to finish it.  Don’t worry about speed, just try to survive (in this case, pain-free).  It feels a little bit like a regression, but at the same time it’s sort of humbling, in a good way.  I think this whole experience is really making me appreciate what it is to be healthy and to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about it.  I’m definitely going to be thinking about it now, and I will be grateful for every mile that I run pain-free.  A healthy body is a gift, and never again will I take that for granted.

-a

Keep the focus and keep the faith

Day 2 of the workout freeze.  This weekend has been sooo frustrating – gorgeous weather means that EVERYONE is out running and biking and being active and I SO want to be one of them.  This morning was sunny and cool and it’s promising to turn into another lovely day and I want nothing more to go on a super long run.  I’m itching for a 20 miler.  It’s been so long since I’ve run long, and I’m going a little crazy.

But no.  My heel felt much better yesterday than it did on Friday, but I still feel a twinge here and there that indicates to me that it’s not completely right yet, and that means the freeze shall continue.  I haven’t ruled out the possibility of running once or twice when I’m in New York depending on how it’s feeling (since Saturday will be one full week).  Maybe I’ll even run the 5K or 10K at the event where I was supposed to do the 50.  Those races are on Sunday, so I could theoretically do one of them.

But in the meantime, the freeze continues.  The next few days are definitely going to be the toughest, since training is such a central part in my life.  My days are going to feel very empty without those workouts in there, especially not going to CF.  What am I going to do in the late afternoon?  It’s going to be very weird.  Once I get to New York and am off my normal routine it will be fine, but living normal life without such a crucial element of my normal life is going to be challenging for sure.

But it will be fine.  I need to just keep my eyes on the prize and focus on other things for a few days.  For instance, I feel like my nutrition has really gone to shit the past month or so, and I’m noticing it on the scale and in how my body looks and feels.  Especially now that I’m not going to be burning nearly as many calories as normal, this is a great time to really focus on cleaning that up and not eating tons of crap all the time.  I’ll also have a chance to get caught up on schoolwork and maybe get myself ahead of the game before I leave for New York – my class is wrapping up and I’ve got my last exam coming up soon, lab work to finish up, etc.  Plus, it’s supposed to rain all week anyway, which will make the fact that I can’t run or bike much easier to cope with.

If there’s another positive in all this, it’s actually been making biking seem like a legitimately fun option.  Maybe it is the weather, and biking seems much less terrible when it’s nice out.  So that’s definitely a good thing, and hopefully it will carry over once I can do things again and isn’t just a “want it because I can’t have it” sort of situation. I’m going to need to start hitting the bike hardcore once I get back.  112 miles still seems incredibly daunting (rightly so, I think).  I’ve got a ways to go.

So, chin up Anna.  You’ll get through this.  Much like training itself, this is all about the mental game.  I can wallow in self-pity and cry about how I can’t run, or I can focus that energy elsewhere and take advantage of this opportunity to pay attention to things that usually get shunted to the side.  I can choose to focus on the negatives of the situation, or I can have faith that everything in life happens for a reason and there is a good reason I’m in this situation right now.  Just have to roll with the punches and bounce back, like I’m so good at doing.  This is just another challenge I need to rise to, and I’m ready for it.  And by the end of a week, the payoff will be that I’m completely healed and I can go back to training hard and kicking ass like I so love to do.  My first 20 miler when I come off of this is going to feel so sweet.

Bring it on, bitches.

-a

Shut it down

Well, here we are again.

Things had been going really well with the Achilles for a few days.  Tried running a little bit on Wednesday and it was ok, still not 100% but not horrible pain.  Went a little over a mile, then stopped because i could feel it a little and didn’t want to push it.  Felt fine yesterday, so I thought it would be ok to go for a 90 min bike ride and go to CrossFit.

No.  Not ok.  I was definitely feeling it by the end of the bike.  I’m in such a tough place right now because I really want to train, especially on the bike since I’m so weak there, and I feel like I need to pack in as much as I can.  I’m only four months away from the Ironman.

But I need to face facts.  Biking and CrossFit might not be as hard on the heel as running is, but they’re not helping.  I want so badly to just be able to run freely again, run long, run whenever and as much as I want.  But the truth of the matter is, if I keep stressing it I’m just going to prolong the healing process.  Maybe it will heal eventually, but it’s going to take a lot longer.

As much as it kills me, I think I need to just take a full week off, from everything.  No biking, no CrossFit, no swimming, nothing.  Necessary walking, and that’s it.  Shut it down.  Just REST, which for some reason I have an incredibly hard time doing.  Especially now that it’s FINALLY nice outside.  Like, what will I do tomorrow if I can’t run and I can’t bike?  It’s going to be in the 70s.  How will I fully appreciate this?

But I need to be smart.  And as much as I hate it sometimes, my inner smart girl is usually right.  One week of nothing.  And this week is probably the best time to do it.  It’s an easy week in my IM training, and I’m going to New York next weekend (when I was supposed to be running the 50… hah).  I want to be able to pick up again when I get back from NY and be back to normal, and quite honestly the only way I’m going to be able to do that is if I just give it a rest, a REAL rest.

I know that I’m not going to lose any real fitness in a week.  And in the long run it will do me way more good than hurt me, and I’ll bounce back just fine and even better because my heel will finally be where it needs to be.  But it’s going to be hard.  And it’s scary.  Doing NOTHING for 7 days?  Probably more than that, because I’ll start tomorrow and resume Monday when I get home from NY?  It’s been a really, really long time since I’ve taken that much time off.

But I need to have faith that it’s going to make me better in the long run.  And it’s only a week.  In the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing.  I’ll get it back in no time, and hopefully I’ll be completely healed on the other side of it and be able to get back into things like nothing ever happened.  And that’s worth it to me.

So, you heard it here first.  I’m doing it.  Going to cancel all my CF sessions for next week, going to take a nice long therapeutic REST, and I’ll be back in full force a week from Monday.  Healed and ready to kick some ASS.  Here goes nothing.

-a

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart

It’s time to start getting serious.

My race is two weeks from tomorrow.  After a day yesterday where the heel was feeling significantly better than it did the day before, today it’s tweaking on me a little bit again, and I haven’t even done anything to it yet that might aggravate it.

I’m starting to think that it might be in my best interest to bag the race this year.  As much as it seriously kills me.

But I need to consider the rest of the season.  Louisville is still out there at the end of August, and New York marathon beyond that.  I also signed up to run Grandma’s in the middle of June.  There is a lot still ahead of me this year.  Wouldn’t it be better to be able to dive into all of that completely healthy, rather than push myself through something that may damage me to a point where the whole rest of my season is derailed?

This idea kills, kills, KILLS me.  I have worked so hard, I have been so diligent, I have logged so many miles, through cold and snow, through everything.  And now, potentially no payoff.  I have read so many things about what an incredible, awesome experience it is to run an ultra, talked to people who have done them who say the same thing, and I want SO BADLY to experience that and be a part of that.  I am potentially two weeks away from being able to realize that dream.

But another part of me (the stupid logical me who always seems to be the voice of reason in these situations) makes some good points.  There will be other ultras.  Just because this might not be the time for it doesn’t mean the dream is dead forever.  I’ve got plenty to do this year; there’s always next year.  Provided I don’t rupture my Achilles pushing myself too far this year and do serious and long-lasting damage that will keep me sidelined much longer.

Also, I’ve been somewhat concerned up to this point that I haven’t been adequately trained for the course specifics anyway.  I’ve been running mostly on roads, around good ol’ flat Minneapolis.  The race I’m going to be doing is on trails, in the MOUNTAINS.  And while it’s not like I’m a trail rookie – I’ve done trail races and spent a lot of time hiking in the mountains (the Rockies, no less) back in the day – I haven’t been doing a lot of trail-specific training lately.  I’m also still not 100% sold on my trail shoes and would have liked to get a few more training runs in them before the big day, and it’s looking like that probably won’t happen.  So while I could probably still do it and I’d probably be fine, maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible to let this one go and prepare myself better for the next one.  Maybe sign up for a fall ultra, so all the trails won’t be covered in snow for the entire duration of my training.

So this is where I’m at right now.  I haven’t made any final decisions yet – maybe I’ll make a miraculous recovery in the next week or two and be golden.  But I need to start mentally preparing myself for the possible reality that I might not be able to do this right now.  I’m kicking myself because I probably could have prevented this – I pushed a pair of shoes too far, I waited too long to get a massage to break up all the shit that was going on in my calves and lower legs.  If money wasn’t so tight I would have kept to my normal schedule for things and it would have been fine.  Or maybe not.  Maybe this would have happened anyway.  There’s no sense in what-iffing it now though – just need to deal with the reality that has been put in front of me.

God dammit sometimes I hate that I’m sensible.  Heart.  Breaking.

-a

Heel, please heal

Okay I am not in a good spot right now.  I don’t know what to do.

A couple weeks ago, I went for a run about 12.5 miles.  Not too terribly strenuous, by my standards.  On the run, my Achilles tendon started acting up a bit.  Never really had issues with it before, but by the end it was bugging me pretty badly.

So I did what was prudent.  Took some time off running.  I have this 50 miler on May 4th, no sense in pushing it too hard right before the race and destroying myself.  Took about 4 days off.  Ran the following Thursday, 6 miles, and it felt ok for the most part.  Got a massage on Friday, since my guess is a lot of the cause of the strain was tight calves and lower legs, and I was pretty past due for a massage.

Felt great after the massage and ran a 10K on Saturday.  The Achilles didn’t bother me at all during the race, was a little sore after, but not too bad.  Took Sunday off and tried to go back to usual training starting Monday.  5 miles on Monday, seemed fine for the most part.

Went and did 7 yesterday, and it was not good.  I was really hurting by the end, and through the rest of the day into today.  This morning I went for a swim and was going to get on the bike a bit, but it was bothering me to the extent that I didn’t even want to do that, with all the flexion required for biking.

And now I’m scared.  My 50 miler is in 2 and a half weeks.  I have been training for this since November.  I have put in so many miles, so much heart and soul into this race, and I want it SO BADLY.  I just know it’s going to be an incredible experience and I am so excited for it and I do NOT want that taken away from me because of a trip at the finish line of training in the form of a bum Achilles.

So what do I do?  Stop running completely until the race in hopes that it will heal itself enough that I’ll be able to get through without doing too much damage?  What happens if I get out there and it blows up on me partway through?  And then what about Ironman training?  I have so many things I want to do this year, and I am so scared of what this could put me out of if I don’t heal it right.  I’m already getting antsy because I haven’t had nearly enough bike training, and I have no idea to what extent I CAN bike right now, because I don’t know how much strain it actually puts on the Achilles.

I can feel this dream starting to slip away from me and it’s crushing me.  I can’t let it go.  I want it so bad.  I just want to snap my fingers and do some sort of voodoo magic and make it heal immediately.  I’m stressing, I’m freaking, and I don’t know what to do.  I need a hug, or a beer, or a coach, or all of the above.

So scared.

-a